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It took me a few years to figure out why I often fell into that bottomless "hole" during major holidays. It has something to do with fantasy and pretend happiness. 花了好些年才了解，為什麼每到主要節慶時自己就常常掉入一種無止盡的落寞。這跟幻想以及假裝幸福有關。

A Brazilian song about the carnival goes, "People work all year long for a moment's dream of dressing up as a king, a pirate or in a fancy pinafore. And all is over on Wednesday." 一首關於巴西嘉年華的歌唱著：「人們工作一整年，只為一刻扮妝成國王、海盜、穿上華麗圓裙的夢。而在星期三什麼都沒了。」

At carnival-spirited Christmas or New Year's Eve parties, I fantasized that a Mr. Right would show up, rescue the fatherly-love-deprived little girl within me and shower pampering affections on her. But at daybreak, everything vanished like bubbles. What's left was nothing but myself, empty, exhausted and smelling alcohol, with make-up smeared around my eyes. 充滿嘉年華精神的聖誕節或跨年，我幻想著白馬王子出現、對缺乏父親關愛的小女孩我展開砲轟式的終極救贖。但當清晨降臨，一切的確像泡泡一樣地消失了，只剩空洞的、疲累的、酒精氣味的、眼線糊掉的自己、和自己。

During family holidays like Middle Autumn Festival or Chinese New Year, there was always endless supply of food to hold up the sense of bountifulness and happiness. There was always zombie-like TV-watching to avoid eye contact between the family members. There were always rounds after rounds of mahjong-playing to rid the grownups of the pressure of talking sincerely. 以家庭為主的中秋節或春節，則有永遠吃不完的年夜菜月餅烤肉零嘴維持著一種溫暖幸福的感受，看不完的特別節目電影重播避免了家人之間眼神的交流，打不完的麻將替大人們免除了認真對談的壓力。

This year my Christmas was celebrated in yoga classes through asanas, chanting, blessings and thanks-giving. I hope to bring with me more awareness into every party and every gathering in the rest of this holiday season. 今年的聖誕節，在瑜珈課裡慶祝了，藉著體位法、歌聲、祝福、感謝。希望自己能帶著更多覺察去參加接下來幾個節日的party、聚會。

Having passed through the darkness, I was shown the light. Today I am aware that darkness might fall again, but I am ready to see light in the dark. 過去曾經穿越了黑暗，而照見光，今天，雖然意識到黑暗會再度降臨，但我已經準備好看見黑暗中的光。

peipei@zuoyoga做 瑜珈。